Not that I hate anybody, really, but I've come close this week. I haven't had an internet connection since Monday, and the one I have now sparked into life for 10 minutes this morning but was then dead until half an hour ago.

This is the second major breakdown in three months. Could it have anything to do with them offering free broadband to Orange phone users? I’ve had long conversations with very polite young gentlemen in India, who read from a script and cannot diverge from it.

The conversation, down a waivery line, goes like this:

“Hello my name is Raj and how can I help you today?”

“Hi, my Orange broadband isn’t working, I cant get online.

“Ok what you are telling me is your Orange broadband is not working and you cannot get online. “

“Yes”

“Let me just confirm sir with you that the problem that you are facing today is that your Orange broadband is not working and you cannot get online.

“Yes, like I said”

“Ok, and is there anything else I can help you with today.”

“No, Id just like you to get me online.”

This script that poor old Raj has to follow takes about 30 minutes to get through, and its clearly pointless after the first time because you know that there is a problem with Orange and they cant get you the web access you need. But they still make you unplug everything, check everything, replug it, enter passwords and user names (which they know but I really don’t, so clearly any of them could romp around under my login if they ever felt like it

So, for the third – or is it the fourth time - I’ve unplugged, rebooted, re-entered passwords, and done all they asked me to, knowing – after the first couple of attempts – that this was all fruitless. In the end they always tell you there is a problem with your exchange.

So, on to BT.

Is there a problem with my exchange? They check the line. No problem at all, infact, I’m close to an exchange and should have a fantastic connection.

Last time I said to Raj, or his brother, that this wasn’t true, that the problem was with Orange. He repeated: “No sir what I am telling you is there is a fault at your exchange.

I told him that I knew he had to stick to a script but we both knew that wasn’t true. Raj remained diplomatically silent.

He said they would do a long check on my line – they’d done a short check (meaningless jargon) and if I could phone back after two hours to check.

Could they phone me? No sir they could not phone me. When I try to phone back there is a message saying they know lots of us are having problems and that they are working “right this minute” to sort things out. But next morning there is still no connection. This time after Raj’s cousin has gone through the pantomime with me, they say ring back if it’s not working in two days. And then, miraculously, tonight I get a connection.

But it’s too late. I’ve called BT and will switch to them just as soon as Orange cough up a migration code. Which could take 10 days.

Now they’ve lost me they just don’t care - don't care about the money I’ve lost, the business that I can’t operate.

So, yes, I really do hate my ISP. Don’t we all? Anyone got any idea what I can do about it? How can I get back from them the thousands of pounds in lost business that their repeated failures have cost me?

The future’s bright, but it’s not Orange